


Marked

by FairyLights101



Series: Matsuhanaiwaoi Week 2017 [5]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe, Asexual Character, Dysphoria, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Mildly Dubious Consent, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Panic Attack, Sex Repulsion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 13:47:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9610103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FairyLights101/pseuds/FairyLights101
Summary: Thumbs stroked the insides of their wrists. Tooru smiled against Issei’s pulse. “I love you so much, Issei.”“I love you too,” they breathed.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Seijoh 4 Week Day 5: Soul Mates
> 
> **The content is dubious **because the main party forces themself to have sex - there is no outside pressure. This is meant to be a sort of introspective piece, and a piece of love and support.****

Issei pressed their hands to their cheeks and dragged in a slow, steadying breath. It grated on their throat, their lungs, but they shook their head and took another.  _ I can’t have a panic attack. Not today. Please, fuck, not today. _ Not after the last week had been filled with too many panic attacks and close calls to count.  _ Remember what Tooru says. In for seven. Hold for five. Out for seven. He’s the nurse, he knows what he’s talking about. _ Their next exhale left in a slow rush, trickling past lips and whispering across knees that knocked together.  _ Again. _ A slow inhale, one that loosened the ache in their chest just a little. Over and over until they could  _ breathe _ and sank back against the headboard of the bed, too weary to smile. 

Gray eyes flicked open, stared at the ceiling, then to the wall. They rolled onto their side and reached out, too far away to trace the mural Takahiro had painted on the wall when they'd moved in, swirls of space with stars that would glow in the dark, shining faintly on the four of them while they slept. Issei followed the path of the colors down to a planet surrounded by rings and delicately rendered moons, then their arm fell. 

With a sigh they sat up, scrubbed their face, and rose from the bed. They passed out into the living room and curled up in the couch, tucked neatly into the corner. Trembling hands pressed to their chest for a moment before Issei huffed out a sharp exhale and snatched up the TV remote. A news feed filled the room with a quiet babble, but they flicked through the channels until some animal documentary appeared, a lion plastered over the screen. Issei pulled their limbs tight. Tried to focus on the TV, not the clock. 

Anticipation worked through their gut, darker feelings not far behind. Too much dysphoria, too many long days.  _ I just want them to be home. _ They bit on the edge of their thumb, worrying the skin there as a pack of lionesses took down an antelope. Toes curled. Skin came off. Disgusted, Issei jerked their hand away from their mouth and sucked down a steadying breath.  _ I can’t start doing that again. It’s a domino effect. Have to cope better.  _ But it was hard to think on ways to do that, impossible to focus. 

Issei’s feet hit the ground and they ducked into the kitchen. The teapot sat in the sink, freshly washed, and they filled it with water and set it to boil, fingers skittering along the counters. Deep gray eyes flicked up, peered out the window. The flowers Takahiro had planted in the spring were in full bloom, morning glories crawling up the trellis in the middle of the garden, roses unfurling, sunflowers raised high, ready to open any day. Godzilla, their cat, lounged on the brick wall between their yard and the neighbor’s, fat and content, her tail flicking lazily as she slept. Birds settled on the feeders and houses Hajime had hung two years ago, one painted by each of them. 

Hands curled over their hips, settled on their pelvis, and Issei jolted as a sharp jaw settled on their shoulder. “You’re distracted today,” Tooru hummed in their ear. 

Issei laughed softly, sinking back into the warm embrace as they curled their hands overtop Tooru’s.  _ A little. Okay, a lot.  _ Enough that their boss had asked them if they were coming down with a cold. All because they couldn’t work through the crawling sensation in their skin, the nastiness they felt every time they had to think about it all.  _ It’s okay. I’ll be okay. It’s alright.  _ “Just admiring the view,” they murmured as their fingers laced together. 

Lips brushed across their cheek, their ear, down to the edge of their jaw. “It is nice. Definitely glad we moved here.” Tooru ran his lips along the side of their neck, slow, teasing. Promising more. Cold, slimy dread made their stomach flip, even as they leaned back into the touch with a sigh.  _ Maybe he won’t. Do it if he does.  _ Thumbs stroked the insides of their wrists. Tooru smiled against Issei’s pulse. “I love you so much, Issei.” 

“I love you too,” they breathed. 

Another kiss was pressed to their neck, and then Tooru gently tugged until Issei spun in his arms. He grinned, soft brown eyes crinkling as he pressed close, their chests flush, one hand curled around Issei’s bicep, the other on their hip. It made Issei feel odd, a pleasant flutter in their chest despite the slick feeling in their belly, and they blinked up at Tooru as his face softened. “What did I do to deserve you as one of my soulmates?” Tooru whispered as his thumb made gentle circles on hollow of their hip. 

Issei’s breath hitched, but they stamped down on the urge to squirm, focused on those sweet words. They managed a smile. “Probably punched an asshole in your past life.” Tooru snorted and shook his head as he bumped their noses together. Issei could feel Tooru’s soul mark warming on the back of their left calf, the familiar tickle of more celestial bodies forming in their skin.  _ He’s happy. I’m glad.  _

It was easy to tip their head to the side for a kiss, eyes fluttering shut. Simple to sink into it, the world narrowed down to the lingering scent of Tooru’s cologne, the warmth of his hands, the sweet press of his lips. Their lips slid together, slow, languid, warm breath washing across Issei’s face as they smiled. Fingers pressed against the bare skin of their hip. Issei’s breath rattled faintly, eyes fluttering open. Tooru nipped at Issei’s bottom lip and they let their jaw fall slack, protests bubbling up and dying away just as quick. _ Just go with it. How long has it been? Stop being such a stupid baby.  _

Those digits rose higher and higher, skimming across warm skin and ridges of ribs. Issei shivered when Tooru brushed across the cherry blossom branch there, Takahiro’s soul mark reacting pleasantly to the touch. Tooru grinned into the kiss, the sensation soaring through all their bonds, and he nipped roughly at Issei's lips, seeking, coaxing. A thumb brushed across their nipple and Issei jerked, a breath hissing out as they shook against Tooru. He pulled back, cheeks pink, and slid his hand up Issei’s arm to cradle their cheek. “Want to take this to the bedroom?” 

Issei's stomach flipped, but they nodded with a tiny smile, forcing excitement through the bonds. “Sure.” 

Tooru tangled their fingers together, Issei's freezing cold as anxiety throbbed through their veins.  _ Don’t look at me, don’t touch me, don’tdon’tdon’tpleasedon’t. _

But they dragged a smile to their lips as Tooru giggled and led them back to the bedroom, the planet soul mark pulsing on their calf. Tooru pushed them onto the bed with gentle hands and they sprawled out as Tooru slid overtop, his fingers dancing across their stomach, knee between their thighs. His smile was so bone-achingly sweet, the look in his eyes so tender that it stole Issei’s breath away. “I wanna make you feel good,” he breathed as he stroked beneath their ribs, right where liquid warmth and an icy chill had nestled together, body reacting even though their eyes burned, their thoughts spun. 

Issei cupped Tooru’s face. “Weirdo,” they teased as they kissed his chin. 

_ I’ve been a bad partner. I need to be better, to  _ do _ better. Just do it. You can do it. Take a deep breath and let him - let Hiro and Hajime do what they want. _ They took a deep breath, pulled Tooru down, and kissed him harder, those soft lips quirking up in a grin as Tooru licked at Issei’s mouth, rocked his hips down, fingers wandering. Issei gasped softly, twisted their face to the side and bit their tongue as repulsion crawled up their spine.  _ Don’t touch me there, don’t-  _

Tooru broke away and kissed at their neck, lips hot, tongue slick as his fingers dragged searing trails down Issei’s chest, stomach, settled on the inside of their quivering thigh. They squeezed their eyes shut, body rocking into Tooru’s heated touch, dragging in a harsh breath through their teeth.  _ “Tooru,”  _ they panted as a hand slipped between their legs.  _ Please don’t.  _ But they couldn’t stop their body from responding, couldn’t force the words they wanted to say out. 

Movement stilled. 

Issei hesitated. Cracked their eyes open and peeked up at Tooru, who peered at them with owlishly wide eyes. “You okay?” he said softly. Everything inside Issei twisted, flipped, as their heart stuttered to a stop. 

_ Say it. Just say ‘no’.  _

“Of course,” they whispered. 

Tooru held their gaze for a painfully long moment before he leaned back in and kissed them once more, slow and sweet. The fingers between Issei’s legs curled and their breath hitched, trembling. Their eyes clenched tight, burning, as they rocked down onto Tooru’s hand. Hungry lips sucked hickies into their neck, teeth rough, mouth tight. It make Issei twist and cry out, voice quiet, thoughts  _ screaming.  _ But they played along, pulling Tooru close, desperate for cover. 

A creak made them both still, eyes turning to the door. Hajime and Takahiro stood there, eyes wide, Takahiro halfway out of his jacket. Their eyes were hungry too.  _ I don’t want to do this. I have to.  _ The guilt that turned their stomach was too unbearable, the anxiety that clogged their throat made it hard to breath.  _ It’ll be over quickly. _ “Issei?” Hajime said softly. They blinked rapidly, bit back the tears as they nodded, a weak smile curling their lips. 

“Want to join?” Tooru purred. Issei shuddered, throat bobbing. Tooru’s fingers stroked between their thighs once more, gentle, teasing. Issei’s fingers twisted in the bedspread, warm pleasure and sharp disgust snapping up their spine. 

More fingers curled into their hair, tugged their face up so that Hajime could pepper kisses across their cheeks. “So beautiful,” he breathed into their hair. “Such a handsome thing,” this one against their lips. Issei’s smile wobbled as they wrapped an arm around Hajime’s neck and pulled him in, kissed him harder, desperate to drown everything out as they licked their way in, rocking their hips down into Tooru’s touch. 

Takahiro’s hands curled over their ribs, large, hot, and he pinched their nipples between his fingers. Issei’s entire body twitched, unsure of where to push. Too many hands, too much contact, too much of  _ everything.  _ But they clenched their hands tight into Hajime’s hair and on his bare back and let their soul mates have their way, touches singing with fervor, with  _ love _ . Clothes rustled, slipped off their body, left them bare beneath the stares of their lovers. Eyes roamed along them, followed every curve and plane - somehow wanted,  _ desired _ by everyone  _ but _ them.

_ Curl away. Hide. Don’t let them see. You’re not right. Your body’s wrong. Wrong, wrong,  _ wrong _ , just- _

Issei let a breath rattle out as they rocked into those six hands, trembling beneath the heated touches. Tooru stroked between their legs, his hand slick and hot, his erection grinding into their thigh. Takahiro laved at a nipple, tongue slowly sweeping across as he hummed and rolled the other. Hajime kissed at their ears, pressed a thumb to the hollow of their throat. Issei gasped and rocked up, a sob bubbling out as tears pricked at their eyes. 

_ I don’t want to do this. I  _ have _ to. I’ve been such a burden, such a pain, such a- _

_ “Stop.”  _

Everyone froze as Hajime’s voice sliced the gasps and grunts, silencing them with brutal efficiency. A tremor worked through Issei, shaking them to the core as their eyes flicked up from one face to another. Tooru’s, dazed as the hunger lingered before fading to uncertainty. Takahiro’s, blank with confusion as he looked around, lips half-formed around a question. Hajime, his eyes glued to Takahiro - to his left shoulder. 

Issei’s breaths stopped as their eyes settled on the soul mark there - the scarlet robin that adorned every body but their own.  _ Their _ soul mark. It was  _ supposed _ to be a radiant red.  _ Supposed  _ to be more than one, smaller birds around it, because they  _ should _ have been brimming with nothing but pleasure, adoration, excitement. But it was dulled from the dysphoria and disgust that clawed at their insides, left them choking on their tongue as they stared at the single gray-tinged bird. Issei’s eyes flickered. The cherry blossom branch on Tooru’s bicep was radiant, dozens of branches and blooms on it, a sign of Takahiro’s love. Tooru’s soul mark - a planet placed on Hajime’s right hip, was surrounded by small moons and stars on a brilliant watercolor backdrop. The oak tree soul mark on the inside of Issei’s arm had dulled, the leaves drank away by the tension that radiated from Hajime’s side of the bonds. 

The hands flew off Issei and cold air rushed in, replacing the heat of their touches, their love. A breath scraped through Issei’s chest as they shuddered, blinked up at their partners with wide eyes. Voices, too many to sort out at first. Another breath crackled in their ears, tightened their chest. Their heart slammed against their ribs, stuttering, verging on gasps. Dark gray eyes flickered as they flinched back, panic closing their throat. 

“Issei…” Tooru breathed, tears streaking his cheeks. 

_ “Why?” _ Takahiro whispered as he reached forward, fingers never reaching Issei’s chin. 

Their limbs unlocked, trembling as they scrambled backwards and slammed their back into the wall. Everything was shaking, falling apart. They dug their fingers, their nails into their arms and shook their head, rocking back and forth as they frantically tried to hide their bodies. “I-I-I-” Issei stuttered out, throat closing up, heart thundering, out of control. None of their soul mates said a word, but their eyes were heavy, faces stricken. 

Issei wrapped their arms tighter around themself, crossed their legs and tried desperately to hide as shudders wracked their frame.  _ Too much, too much, I’m sorry, I didn’t want this, I just- _ Hajime lurched into movement, grabbed a shirt and a pair of briefs tossed them forward. It took two tries to pick the clothes up, and quick, fumbling movements jerked it all on. Their limbs snapped back in place around their body, too much of that roiling chill in their stomach. “I-” 

They shook their head fiercely, dragged their hands down their face. Shorter breaths rattled out. Tears dripped from their chin. They could feel their soul marks  _ burning _ \- the oak tree on their bicep, the cherry blossoms on their ribs, the planets on their calf. Distress, terror, grief - it all spun through Issei’s head as they dug their fingers into their scalp, eyes focused on mint-green toenails - Takahiro’s. “I-I-I’m so-sorry…” 

“Baby, Issei,  _ why _ ? Why’d you force yourself?” Tooru whispered as he wiped at his eyes, his body shaking violently as Takahiro wrapped an arm around his shoulders, the other hesitantly reaching out for Issei before it dropped. 

A weak smile wobbled to their lips. The world was spinning, wavering.  _ I’m sorry, so sorry, I didn’t mean to fuck up, I just-  _ “I d-didn’t want to be a burden,” they croaked. “I… I know you’ve been wanting to have s-s-s-sex, and I just-” Pain prickled their their scalp as they viciously tugged on their hair, desperate to ground themself. “I w-was tired of being so much of a hassle with my d-dysphoria and shit, a-and I-” 

A shudder made them curl in tighter as a gasp punched through them, sharp,  _ painful.  _ Issei’s fingers bit into their head. Chest hitched, unbearably tight. Heart pounded, frantic. Prinkling in the soul marks, sharp. The world  _ spun _ as muddled voices lapped against their ears. Issei buried their face into their knees, loud sobs ripping out of their chest. Panicked gasps dragged at their throat, threatened to make their chest collapse.  _ I’msorryI’msorryI’msorry I made a mistake I’m sorry I didn’t mean to I just thought-  _

But they  _ hadn’t _ thought. Had just let guilt override everything, pushed themself into something that left them wanting to scald their skin off. They’d wanted to make the others happy, but all they felt was  _ hurt.  _

The bed dipped. Cloth settled over their shoulders, then a touch through the soft fabric. “Issei, sweetheart, you have to breathe for me, okay?” 

The blossoms on their side tingled, their bond quivering. Issei pried their head from their arms and started at Takahiro, sniffling and blinking as those soft gray eyes held them. “You can do it,” Takahiro whispered, “C’mon Seisei, you can do it. Take a breath in. You’re okay. It’s  _ okay.  _ Just take that breath for me.” 

Issei’s world spun, but their lips parted. An inhale came, a sharp, cold punch to their lungs. It rattled out, blistering. Another hand brushed across their elbow and they traced it back to Tooru with his red-rimmed eyes and fragile smile. “Baby, we love you. I promise. We’re not mad, not at all. It’s going to be okay. So give me another breath, alright?” 

Issei’s mouth worked, but after a moment they managed to nod. Drew in another breath. The sweet encouraging smile that met them left their chest aching in a far more pleasant way. The next breath was slower. The glitter in those brown eyes that followed brought a trickle of warmth. 

“I know you’re feeling bad right now,” Hajime breathed, pulling their attention to the other side as his hand closed over their knee, reassuring with his warmth. “But it’s okay. It  _ will _ pass. Promise.” 

Issei’s lips wobbled. Fresh tears tracked down their cheeks. They slowly jerked their head in a nod and managed a deeper breath. Again and again. Soft rasps as their soul mates coaxed them through it, the marks on their skin tickling. The robin on Takahiro’s shoulder rippled. Color bloomed through it, scarlet overtaking the grayish tones. A smaller crimson bird appeared beside the large on on Tooru’s ribs. Issei’s breath rasped out as Hajime touched his own mark, the warmth tickling through their bonds. 

They closed their eyes, leaned forward as weariness dragged at their body. Hands brushed across their body, careful to avoid touching them skin-on-skin in any bad areas. But it only took a moment to pull Issei into a three chests, their bodies blissfully warm, hands gentle. Tooru stroked their hair, kissed their temple. Takahiro fidgeted with their fingers, rubbing across the thin digits and circling every knuckle and joint. Hajime thumbed their knees, squeezed their legs reassuringly. 

Issei sighed quietly, nestled into Tooru’s neck. “I’m sorry,” they whispered into his skin, “I just… I wanted to try. I was just… tired of feeling so guilty. So bad. I know it was stupid but…” 

“But at the time it felt like the right choice?” Tooru supplied. They nodded. Every hand tightened, pulled Issei closer. 

“It wasn’t,” Hajime said softly after a moment, “But we understand. I won’t lie, it does worry me that you didn’t say anything, that you tried to force yourself into something you weren’t comfortable with and covered it up, but… we’ve all done that.” 

“Just remember you’re not alone,” Takahiro whispered. His fingers brushed across Issei’s ribs to the pink and red petals and the darker branches. The touch made Issei shiver, warm electricity rippling up their spine. “You don’t have to deal with this by yourself.  _ Ever.  _ You don’t let any of us do that, so…  _ please.”  _ Takahiro’s voice cracked quietly. 

Issei clenched their eyes shut, fingers curling into Takahiro’s grip. The cesspool of guilt, anxiety, and a dozen other things that had built up over the last week twisted a little, sank deeper. It all felt so  _ stupid _ \- and yet Issei knew it wasn’t. Just like they knew that they could, that they  _ had _ to do better. They nodded into Tooru’s neck. “I will. I’m… sorry.” 

“It’s alright,” Hajime said softly as he smoothed a hand along their thigh. “It’ll be alright.” 

They nodded. Sank into the embrace. “We should… talk about this,” Issei whispered after a moment. 

“Later,” Tooru said firmly, fingers slipping through Issei’s hair. “We should all think a bit, settle our thoughts and emotions. And it’s okay to stay here for a bit.” 

Issei smiled weakly. Kissed his jaw. Slumped into the warm sanctuary of those arms, breaths evening out as calm washed over them, even with the slick darkness still coiled inside, waiting patiently.

**Author's Note:**

> (;´Д`) This was a hard piece to write because I kept second-guessing it and the nature of it. I ended up being a lot more personal than intended, but I really wanted to show this side of things, and I'm hoping I did it well.
> 
> Anyways, hit me up at [fairylights101writes](http://fairylights101writes.tumblr.com/) for some more content, and leave a comment.


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